indulge yourself, part I.

So most of my time, energy, and money have been relegated to the kitchen lately. We've made a couple upgrades in other areas of the house, though, and they have totally reinforced my new understanding that it's really helpful to indulge yourself from time to time. --And yes, the kitchen itself is a major indulgence, but what about the everyday things you use that just aren't up to par?

Such as...remember this picture?

That's my bed.

I mentioned that our anniversary present to each other this year was a new mattress. The one we'd been sleeping on was 10+ years old, broken, and - well, it pretty much felt like this:

That's my butt.

...Which is to say, hard and unforgiving. Seriously, we both woke up sore every morning (now, now), and I couldn't find a position that was comfortable for longer than about eight minutes. That doesn't make for a very restful night.

So we threw financial caution to the wind and purchased a Sleep Number mattress, for reasons I first mentioned here:

1. J.J. is a really, really, REALLY picky sleeper. He's been known to rotate among all our sleeping surfaces (bed, futon, couch) in one night in order to find his desired firmness. (That's what she said?)
2. He likes it hard, I like it soft. (THAT'S what she said.)
3. Our mattress needs may fluctuate when I'm pregnant someday/when we have kids.
4. They have a 20-year warranty, and we've heard good reviews from some friends.

They said it would take about two weeks for delivery, but less than a week after our anniversary-day purchase, they called and announced they'd be arriving the next day. Which gave us about an hour of daylight to prep the bed frame. This mattress didn't require a box spring, so we saved a little (emphasis on little) cash by not ordering one. It did require, though, that the slats of the supporting frame be only about an inch apart.

J.J. and I had looked at each other in the store when the salesman said that.

"That's about what our bed frame is, right?" I said, nodding my head to convince both of us.

"Yeah, I think so," he concurred, nodding his head to make it magically so.

"If not," the salesman continued, "just slap a piece of plywood down on top. No big deal."

Well...

Yeah. They're about two to three inches apart. Luckily for me and my sanity, J.J. took this project on and dashed to the hardware store for plywood and duct tape.

The plywood pieces were (shocker) not the right size for the bed frame, so we measured it out, and J.J. used some saw or another to slice them into shape.

Once they were cut and sanded, all we had to do was tape them together.

It may not look super fancy, but it gets the job done, and for a hell of a lot cheaper than a box spring. OR maybe it's our steampunk bed.

And the next day?

Ooooh, pretty. (Excuse the weird lighting. Maybe it's mood lighting.)

BUT.

The jury's still out on whether I'm 100% a fan or not. On the plus side, I never realized how hard our old broken mattress was; I use one of the softest settings on this bed. Unfortunately, I still wake up sore most mornings, and I have to position myself very specifically when falling asleep if I want to have any muscle function the next day. Plus side? I can sleep on my left arm again, for the first time since my stupid mysterious shoulder stupidity started almost two years ago. Unfortunately? I hate the expensive pillows we got, and I didn't return mine in time to get a refund. Plus side? It's fun to make the bed harder and softer. Unfortunately? It's really loud when it's inflating or deflating, so I don't recommend changing the setting if your partner is already asleep.

So, I'm somewhat undecided, but overall, the upgrade was worth it. For his part, J.J. loves it, but he says that about everything that he's too lazy to return - slash, everything that he's sick of me talking about for hours on end ("THE BLUE KITCHEN IS FINE. IT'S FINE.") True, part of me wishes we had just spent the money on a regular mattress. Part of me thinks we should invest in a quality pillow-top mattress cover, which might help with some of the unevenness (which becomes apparent during...um...non-sleep activities). Part of me wonders if there was a 90-day return policy that we should take advantage of, although if so, it may have expired...earlier this week. Part of me is back in the same rut that led us to years of mattress-hating inaction: ignoring the problem except when it's unavoidable - i.e., going to sleep, waking up. But most of me? Is much more well-rested and happier in bed. Indulgence: it's a good thing.

The bedroom isn't the only place we've indulged lately, though. More on that soon! The mystery is killing you, I know. Hint: It's bathroom-related. I know you want to know all the intimate details of our sleeping and bathing routines, so...your wish shall be granted. YOU'RE WELCOME.

barter with yourself...some more.

Bartering worked! Got so much done yesterday! The funny thing is that once I got started, I didn't feel like stopping - including today, which means I'm not actually following through on my self-bartering. Seriously, the real reward is sitting around staring at the (almost-) finished product. I stroke the counters. I pet the backsplash. I wiggle my eyebrows at the faucet. And, since it's the kitchen, I use all of it all. the. time. Sigh.

Oh, the other reward? Practically dancing around Home Depot yesterday when I saw all the potential kitchen products and ideas and realized I don't have to pay attention to those anymore for now. For about a year, I've been kitchen-obsessed, which is great and all - but the freedom that comes from running across a cabinetry design or pretty floor tile or hardware display and knowing that my decisions have already been made? Priceless. (Well, not priceless. More like about $1,000 over the allotted budget. But I digress.)

More to come on the finished product, but y'all need a list update. Here's yesterday's "Kitchen Crap Yet To Be Done" list:

• Go to Home Depot (moulding, caulk, floor edging)
• Paint last piece of moulding
• Attach last 12 pieces of moulding
• Caulk last corner of shoe moulding
• Caulk all moulding on pantry/fridge surround
• Final coat of paint on pantry/fridge surround
• Install final six inches of flooring transition piece
• Touch up blue & yellow paint by the counter
• Re-install moulding in back corner where cabinet meets wall
• Clear-caulk the grout/counter edge
• Wood-fill, sand, and paint counter/cabinet edge
• De-splinter the underedge of the kitchen step
• Craigslist the microwave, S&A's toaster, etc.
• Clean out garage and front room (a.k.a. the workshops)
• Write 3749 posts with kitchen updates
• (Also remove toilet, finish flooring in bathroom, and replace toilet...but not by myself)
• Organization stuff: hang hooks, attach cabinet decal, attach cabinet hooks...
• Design and hang mirrors/frames/shelves on wall above console table
• Make and hang dry-erase board by fridge

Looking at it this way, it doesn't seem like I got all that much done, but there were other tasks completed that I didn't even remember had to be done...such as:

• Finish wiping errant grout off the cabinets, walls, and backsplash tiles
• Try (in vain) to fix the crooked trash cabinet door
• Swear (a lot) at the freakin' trash cabinet door
• Make an unplanned trip to Lowe's (because what's a kitchening day without an unplanned trip to the other side of town, where I just happened to be earlier that same day?)
• Gather materials for updating our outlets to GFCI outlets
• Frown at instructions for updating our outlets to GFCI outlets
• Scream-hop around the family room in between removing spider egg sacs from the underedge of the kitchen step

So today's list, provided I don't lose steam:

• Caulk fridge surround
• Final coat of paint on pantry, fridge surround, last bit of shoe moulding
• Paint underside of the kitchen step
• Touch up the yellow paint (blue will have to wait until I...have some blue paint)
• Install light fixture over sink (been waiting for the painter to call me back about fixing the ceiling over the sink, and he won't call...what to do?)
• Maybe attempt GFCI installation, assuming I'm well-rested, fed, and watered
• Make and hang dry-erase board by fridge
• Clean out the garage and front room (a.k.a. the workshops)

We'll start with those and see what happens. It's already 11:30 and I'm pretty much just sitting around, so maybe another barter will do the trick? If I finish (most of) my list today, I can...spend tomorrow sitting on my ass, watching "Dexter" and consuming mass quantities of dill pickle dip. 

From here

Mmm. That oughta do it. Oh, I also plan to share the story soon of our accidental awesome pantry fairy door. Stay tuned!

barter with yourself.

The buck stops here.

Well - I'm trying to motivate myself to get going, so maybe the buck starts here.

Point being? I've been off work all week. A little birthday present to myself - a staycation, full of decompressing and processing and reading and napping and watching "Dexter" for the first time. (Hint: Home alone all day + watching "Dexter" = maybe not the best recipe to maintain a fear-free October!) In the meantime, my nearly-almost-finished kitchen is waiting patiently for me.

Really. Here's a hint.

It is SO. CLOSE. But there are still a trillion tiny little details that need to be attended to, and I've been procrastinating all week. 

Things I've done to put off kitchening this week include:

• Raking leaves
• Paying bills
• Going for long evening walks
• Checking my work email repeatedlyalldaylong
• Pinteresting
• Decorating for Halloween
• Staring at Facebook for hours

And so what? It's my vacation, and my first chance to breathe since camp started and everything went to shit. When you've been working on a project as long as I've been working on the kitchen, though, there comes a time where you just gotta wrap it up, for the sake of everyone involved. So, enough with the procrastinating. Today's the day (yes, you can expect "Dexter" references to litter every part of my life for the next month or so). Since you know I love a list, let's start there.

KITCHEN CRAP YET TO BE DONE:

• Go to Home Depot (moulding, caulk, floor edging)
• Paint last piece of moulding
• Attach last 12 pieces of moulding
• Caulk last corner of shoe moulding
• Caulk all moulding on pantry/fridge surround
• Final coat of paint on pantry/fridge surround
• Install final six inches of flooring transition piece
• Touch up blue & yellow paint by the counter
• Re-install moulding in back corner where cabinet meets wall
• Clear-caulk the grout/counter edge
• Wood-fill, sand, and paint counter/cabinet edge
• De-splinter the underedge of the kitchen step
• Craigslist the microwave, S&A's toaster, etc.
• Clean out garage and front room (a.k.a. the workshops)
• Write 3749 posts with kitchen updates
• (Also remove toilet, finish flooring in bathroom, and replace toilet...but not by myself)
• Organization stuff: hang hooks, attach cabinet decal, attach cabinet hooks...
• Design and hang mirrors/frames/shelves on wall above console table
• Make and hang dry-erase board by fridge

I have to make a deal with myself. Depending on how much of this I get done today, I don't have to do any of it tomorrow (i.e., save it for the weekend). It's supposed to be 75 and sunny today, and 40 and rainy tomorrow (pure Michigan), so I need to take advantage of the open-window option today and caulk away. And I have lunch plans and dinner plans, sooo...enough with this form of procrastinating. Off I go!

Awkward angle...still unfinished...but LOOK IT'S SOOOO CLOSE TO DONE!

promise yourself.

October. It's my birth month, and I could use a rebirth, even as the world around me falls into rest and silence, cold and gloom. September was chilly, which seems to have hastened the onset of my winter apathy. I don't move, or breathe deeply, or play, or create. Just work, eat, sleep, repeat - all infused with a heavy dose of fear.

It hit me today, how much I've been falling again. Same old thought patterns, same old lack of faith, same old anxiety and fear. I fear everything lately. Fashion choices, food choices, work choices. What if so-and-so thinks this about me; what if such-and-such happens because of me? Nested in the couch in this afternoon, I was paralyzed by fear. Couldn't get up, couldn't start the projects I, in theory, wanted to tackle. Could barely even read a book or fix myself dinner. What if the upper pantry door hits the new light fixture when someone opens it? What if they mis-measured for the new countertops? What if the cheddar on that black bean burger from yesterday grew bacteria? What's the smell coming from the sink drain? Are those light bulbs too high-wattage?

And those are the little things, the petty things; the bigger fears lurk below. How can I go back to work next week without answers to last week's problems? Am I even in the right position? The right organization? The right field? How can I possibly manage a stressful job and a newborn? Do we have enough money? What if all I want is to stay home with my baby and never go back to work? Jumping the gun, though, because what if I can't ever get pregnant? What if I have to watch everyone around me - co-workers, parents from work, friends, family members - celebrate their pregnancies...while I can't seem to produce anything except negative pregnancy tests? (Okay, twice, but STILL.) What if that thyroid test comes back positive? Or what if it doesn't, leaving me with even more questions?

But those, too, are petty fears, in the grand scheme of things. So I balance them with bigger fears. The upcoming election. Racism. Syria and Turkey. Drugs in our schools. Poverty. Fracking. The disappearing middle class. A woman's right to choose. Serial killers. Nuclear weapons testing. Honey Boo Boo's impact on society.

Okay, so maybe I ought to turn off NPR during my morning shower. But today's revelation? The one that got me off the couch and moving again, breathing again? Here it is: Let go of the fear.

Simple. Elegant. Let go of the fear.

It's a choice, it turns out, barring any traumatic events. First of all, I could stand to release some of the self-importance I seem to have accidentally acquired. No one really gives a shit about me - and I mean that in the best possible way. My loved ones and not-so-loved ones, they care if I'm around, if I'm generally healthy and happy, sure. But truly, no one cares about my backsplash quandary. Or that I pretty much wear the same two pairs of jeans all fall, winter, and spring. Or how I'm going to improve summer camp for next year. Or my pregnancy projections, or my career path, or my vegetarianism. The freedom in understanding that no one cares is knowing now that these things affect me, and only me. No need for martyrdom and for searching out the ripple effects, real or imagined, of my daily decisions.

As for the actions I take that do affect others - primarily work-related actions - well, again, fear is a choice. So far, making decisions (or avoiding decisions) because of fear isn't working very well for me. Anxiety freakin' overload. Being an October baby, I'm blessed with the Libran gift/curse of constantly weighing all the options and trying to balancing everyone's needs. It's impossible, it contributes to the inflated sense of self, and it's too much. Too much fear.

So here's my birthday gift to myself: Fear-Free October. I promise to spend the month being conscious of when fear is stopping me, motivating my choices, or taking over my brain - and then telling it to fuck off. It makes poetic sense, too, given that fear is part of October culture (Halloween and all its trappings). I like poetic crap like that. 

I think I finally understand the quote, "There's nothing to fear but fear itself." Rather than cultivating fear and allowing it to be my guide, I'm going to spend the month shutting it down as it exists in my daily life. Because what I fear most of all is living a life from which fear has sucked all the energy and fullness. That's not what life is about. You take it as it comes, day by day, and then you focus on hope when being in the moment is too scary.

Also? Find a swing on a beach. Magic.

There's a freeze warning for my town tonight. Here, the trees are at their autumn peak: still full, but just raging with color. I'll breathe them in, breathe it all in. Winter is only winter; spring and rebirth will follow again, every time. The daily allotment of sunlight is waning for now, but the light will return. 

My light, too.