21 actual reasons I've cried today.

21 Actual Reasons I Have Cried Today:

1. Because it started thundering right after I finally fell asleep in the middle of the night. AGAIN.

2. Because Rowan fell back asleep after the storm with her hands clutched over her ears, which was endearing and precious and adorable.

3. Because, before J.J. and Rowan left to go on a breakfast date together, I had already scrubbed the shower, wiped down the bathroom walls, cleaned the toilet, dusted all three bedrooms, and Swiffered the whole upstairs. By 8:30. On three hours' sleep. Which was not how I needed to be expending my limited energy.

4. Because I was crying about #3, which was a ridiculous thing to cry about.

5. Because around 11:30, I really missed J.J. and Rowan, who were still out having fun together.

6. Because when they got home, Rowan gave me two special "notes" that she had written to me, and they were adorable.

7. Because I woke Rowan up from her nap by snuggling in her bed with her, and she was so little and so big all at the same time, and we don't have very many "snuggle naps" together left before the baby comes.

8. Because I hit a major nesting spurt this weekend, but I'm not attending to any of the right things. Like, the baby clothes are in seventeen different locations, and what did I do with all the baby blankets?, and we still have snow pants lingering in the front closet instead of bathing suits, and I haven't done anything to update the nursery like I wanted to...but, oh yes, those lunch boxes look fucking SPIFFY all lined up in their drawer, right under the freshly-cleaned spice racks. Also, the fronts of my kitchen cabinets have now been thoroughly wiped down. BECAUSE THAT'S ESSENTIAL. (False.)

9. Because Rowan was watching videos on my phone from her dance recital last weekend, and her little face was just bursting with pride.

10. Because the fun henna tattoo I got on my belly a couple weeks ago (yes, before Beyoncé did it, ugh follower) is fading, revealing new stretch marks that have sprouted in the meantime.

11. Because I took the pretty knobs off the nursery dresser and replaced them with the original ones, and it made me remember when I ordered those pretty knobs for baby Rowan, and when I stabbed myself with the screwdriver while I was installing them, and oh my god that was so long ago but that was also just yesterday and CRY CRY CRY.

12. Because I read through the post I linked in #11 about impaling myself with a screwdriver, and I cannot - CANNOT - figure out what angle the pictures of the upstairs doors was taken from. Every time I think I understand, I realize that I must be wrong, because the hall closet doors aren't pictured. WHICH DOORS ARE THOSE? WHERE IS THE HALL CLOSET? WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING?

13. Because I wanted to go out to dinner with J.J. and his mom and Rowie, but I finally had a burst of non-misguided nesting, which basically meant I was schlepping stuff from the second floor down to the basement and back up to the kitchen and out to the car and up and down the stairs a few thousand more times, which resulted in one long continuous Braxton-Hicks contraction, which rendered me motionless on the couch.

14. Because I snapped at Rowan when she was stalling during bedtime, which made her cry, but I yelled anyway because my belly was still hurting so badly from overdoing it today.

15. Because then I laid with her in her bed before she went to sleep, and she made me tell her the story I tell her every single night - "about when I was a baby and I first came out" - and she threw her arm around my neck and sighed, "I love you. Even more than you love me."

16. Because I remembered that this is Rowan's last week of preschool with her immensely beloved teacher, and I'm just so sad that she has to move on from that relationship. ...And that I can't drop her off at school two mornings a week for the next three loooong months.

17. Because I told J.J. he could have the last of the rice last night, neglecting the fact that I had leftover Thai food for tonight that I fully intended to eat with ONLY THAT RICE. So I ate cereal. And cried.

18. Because I was just folding laundry and the floor kept squeaking in the same place every time I stepped on it and it was fucking annoying.

19. Because I should be [doing bills, writing the article I meant to finish last week, sorting out a rental car payment dispute, scheduling an oil change, catching up on other blog posts I've been trying to write, working on the sudden flood of Etsy orders that just came in which is awesome but oh shit], and instead, I'm...crying.

20. Because, oh god, is this what postpartum is going to be like again? Allllll the unnecessary crying? Starting next Friday, which is horrifyingly close but also like seven thousand days from now?

21. Because nine months pregnant.