a really lovely new tradition full of love and peace and love.

Found myself in a sneaky hate spiral this afternoon, and for no good reason. I guess that's the whole thing about a sneaky hate spiral, how it just kind of worms its way in with tiny frustrations until you find yourself throwing something across the room in a rage. In my head, I started making a list of all the things that are just fucking annoying me right now. The list grew longer and longer, and all of a sudden I realized - I did this same exact thing this time last year, and I turned it into a blog post, and I got some of my favorite comments on that post (the post: here's a list of things I hate. for love day.). 

So let's make it a cranky, pessimistic Valentine's Day tradition! Not forgetting, of course, as I noted last year, that "it's a totally assholey privileged list of bullshit, which makes me also meta-hate the list itself." 

:: I hate that I just quoted MYSELF in my own blog post.

:: I hate that I can't seem to get back in the groove of writing regularly.

:: I hate that the snow is starting to crash down on the sunny side of the house, because when that happens after it's been icy on the roof, a snow dam forms and it starts leaking in the family room. Which means I'm going to have to get up on the ladder to break up the dam later, which I can't actually do in my "delicate" state, which means I'll probably have to call J.J. to see if he can help, which he probably can't, which means I'll have to do flood damage control until he gets home, at which point the snow will have re-frozen, making it impossible to remove.

:: I hate the paper cut on my thumb.

:: I hate that Rowan is suddenly too cool for naps. I knew it was coming, but she's SO exhausted and still won't let herself sleep. (For the record, I wrote pretty much this exact same thing in my Things I Hate post last year. Interesting.)

:: I hate that I literally stomped up the stairs a few minutes ago and shouted at her to go to sleep. Yeah, THAT helped the situation. #proudmommoment

:: I hate everyone who went to that stupid blog conference this weekend, because I hate that I can't grow this blog big enough to warrant attending a conference, and I hate that it's my own fault that I'm not actively growing it, but I still can't seem to care enough to change that.

:: I hate that I haven't been able to find Easter candy in stores yet. No, lonely Cadbury eggs from an endcap don't count.

:: I hate that I have no self-control when it comes to sugar consumption. I've made peace with that in general, but it makes me feel like a shitty fetus-grower.

:: I hate that the president does at least one thing every single day that makes my mouth drop open in horror. Oh, and I hate reading comments, and it turns out I hate a significant portion of other people's opinions.

:: I hate that Rowan has picked up J.J.'s habit of dropping the last part of each sentence and mumbling it, and that she flips the fuck out when I ask her to repeat herself - or when I give up and offer a noncommittal "mm-hmm" response. I cannot win.

:: I hate that I never do cool projects with Rowan anymore. I just want her to play by herself so I can relax. When did I turn into that kind of parent? And I hate that it's only going to get harder when the baby comes.

:: I hate that I'm the worst at responding to texts and messages. Like, the WORST. I'm a dick.

:: I hate that the basement is packed full of disorganized boxes and broken toys. I cleared a path from the stairs to the laundry area, and I'm just ignoring the rest of it. But it's there, taunting me, waiting for the nesting urge that just won't come.

:: I hate that I still haven't finished the last few tasks to finish Rowan's "new" bedroom (the one she moved into in - what, September? October?). I just need to fix the rug, paint a swatch of the closet, and build/install some wood cornices on the windows. None of it is difficult or overly time-consuming. But uggghhhhhh.

:: I hate that our trees need to be trimmed so badly. It's going to cost thousands of dollars that we don't have, but the other thing we don't have is a choice. A seven-foot branch cracked and dropped the other day in the backyard...and that's not uncommon. I hate you, black walnut trees, and your stupid walnuts, too.

:: I hate that the lady from Lowe's keeps not calling me back about our bathtub, which is crumbling and needs to be replaced, but which we can't replace until the stupid lady from Lowe's CALLS ME BACK.

:: I hate that I'm too cranky to hang out with friends tonight like I had planned, even though that's probably exactly what I need.

:: I hate that I can't just be mindful and grateful right now, because I have way more reasons to be thankful than to be full of petty rage.

:: And, lastly, I hate that Rowan FINALLY fell asleep while I was typing this - after I'd given up on it happening - because she's usually waking up from a nap now, not going to sleep, and now she's going to be awake until forever tonight, and she's also going to be cranky as hell when I wake her up from her nap. WE CAN'T BOTH BE CRANKY AS HELL, KID. TODAY IT'S MY TURN.


Let's conclude with a video of Rowan in one of her own sneaky hate spiral moments. This is from last week, and it's all about how I, being the evil sea witch that I am, don't let her see her grandma (J.J.'s mom) enough. Please keep in mind that she had just spent the night at Gramma's a few nights before this, and then gone to Chuck E. Cheese with her the next morning, and then had a play date with Gramma a couple days after that, and she was scheduled to go to Gramma's house about two hours after this video took place. I don't know WHERE Rowan gets this ridiculous self-pity from...

Awww. I do love her. A lot.

...But I still feel hatey.