Sunday, May 18, 2014

biggest mistake of my life (take seven, or so).

What have I done.

If I listen to the voice in my head, I am:
  • an irresponsible mother who just put my wants ahead of my family's needs
  • an ignorant thirtysomething pretending that the future will take care of itself
  • a woefully inept financial planner, kidding myself about bank account capacities and capabilities
  • pulling the career ladder out from under myself
  • plunging into the abyss of financial insecurity
  • the family breadwinner, knowingly and selfishly putting our stability at risk
  • already shamefully behind my peers in so many ways...and just furthering that
  • scared, scared, scared, stupid, scared, and scared

But then the voice in my heart tries - really tries - to chime in, and to remind me that (also? instead?) I'm:
  • seizing the day and this ephemeral snap of time with my only first baby
  • soaring inside every time I imagine being with her more
  • trusting that other possibilities will reveal themselves once I'm living a life of love
  • following my passions, which have yet to steer me wrong
  • not taking the first - or last - enormous risk in my life
  • taking advantage of some hard-earned savings (ohgodpleasejustsomenotall)
  • teaching my daughter, by example, to follow her heart
  • brave, brave, brave, alive, brave, and brave

Biggest (potential) mistake of my life? I just quit my job. Where I've worked for twelve years. 

My only non-internship job as an adult. Where I've held seven different positions, some simultaneously.

My challenging and self-designed job. Where I get (got? oh shit) paid more than I'd make anywhere else in my field.

My job that I once thought was a pipe dream. Where I've given 110% for as long as I could.

I can't really tell you what I'm doing or why, and not because I'm being mysterious. It's because I really don't know. I DON'T KNOW. I can't even make conjectures or toss out ideas. 

But you know what I can do?

I can go to Monday music class, and Tuesday mommy group, and Wednesday swimming. I can live each day as it comes, which I'm blissfully forced to do whenever I'm with Rowan. I can have faith and courage...punctuated occasionally by breakdowns and fear. I can choose intermittent intense anxiety about the future over constant low-level dissatisfaction with the everyday. 

And I can tell you this: I'm a person of extremes. When it came to the point where it felt like leaving would be the biggest mistake of my life, but that staying would also be wrong, I chose in favor of my heart instead of my head. The last two times I did that...

...turned out pretty okay.


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