If I listen to the voice in my head, I am:
- an irresponsible mother who just put my wants ahead of my family's needs
- an ignorant thirtysomething pretending that the future will take care of itself
- a woefully inept financial planner, kidding myself about bank account capacities and capabilities
- pulling the career ladder out from under myself
- plunging into the abyss of financial insecurity
- the family breadwinner, knowingly and selfishly putting our stability at risk
- already shamefully behind my peers in so many ways...and just furthering that
- scared, scared, scared, stupid, scared, and scared
But then the voice in my heart tries - really tries - to chime in, and to remind me that (also? instead?) I'm:
- seizing the day and this ephemeral snap of time with my only first baby
- soaring inside every time I imagine being with her more
- trusting that other possibilities will reveal themselves once I'm living a life of love
- following my passions, which have yet to steer me wrong
- not taking the first - or last - enormous risk in my life
- taking advantage of some hard-earned savings (ohgodpleasejustsomenotall)
- teaching my daughter, by example, to follow her heart
- brave, brave, brave, alive, brave, and brave
Biggest (potential) mistake of my life? I just quit my job. Where I've worked for twelve years.
My only non-internship job as an adult. Where I've held seven different positions, some simultaneously.
My challenging and self-designed job. Where I get (got? oh shit) paid more than I'd make anywhere else in my field.
My job that I once thought was a pipe dream. Where I've given 110% for as long as I could.
I can't really tell you what I'm doing or why, and not because I'm being mysterious. It's because I really don't know. I DON'T KNOW. I can't even make conjectures or toss out ideas.
But you know what I can do?
I can go to Monday music class, and Tuesday mommy group, and Wednesday swimming. I can live each day as it comes, which I'm blissfully forced to do whenever I'm with Rowan. I can have faith and courage...punctuated occasionally by breakdowns and fear. I can choose intermittent intense anxiety about the future over constant low-level dissatisfaction with the everyday.
And I can tell you this: I'm a person of extremes. When it came to the point where it felt like leaving would be the biggest mistake of my life, but that staying would also be wrong, I chose in favor of my heart instead of my head. The last two times I did that...
...turned out pretty okay.