Monday, June 23, 2014

for right now.

Tonight, I'm just grateful.

Well, that might be an overstatement. I haven't been feeling grateful all evening long - mostly just at this moment.* But a conversation with a friend just now reminded me about gratitude, and made me realize the main gift that anxiety gave me. I know how toootally cheesy that sounds, but here's the thing: Because of my experiences with working through anxiety, I'm more likely than I used to be to purposefully and aggressively pursue happiness. Likewise, I'm more aware that happiness isn't something that just is, all the time, a constant. It's a series of moments strung together, flashes of contentment that might go unrecognized if you're not careful, and that might be minimized if you don't practice gratitude for them. (I know, I'm the first person EVER to articulate that. Bow down in my omniscient presence.)

Um. Anyway. Tonight? Right now? I'm grateful for:
  • My moms' group. More on that another time, but connecting with them regularly helps keep me grounded, sane, and in tune with what it means (read: how crazy it is) to be a new mother. Plus, omg, their babies are adorable.
  • Netflix, and binge-watching ridiculous shows. (Fuck you very much, Comcast cable.)
  • Cold water to drink. Mmm.
  • My breast pump.
  • My mother-in-law, Rowan's Gramma. They've spent three days a week together for the past six months, and I'm committed to helping them maintain their amazing relationship now, even though I'm not at work anymore. Which is another thing I'm grateful for -
  • Deciding to leave my job. Oh my GOD am I unmoored right now, and sometimes the weight of that pulls me under, but mostly I'm just reveling in my freedom. I'm not too focused on whether it's denial or faith that's helping me stay afloat at the moment. Hell, maybe it's just sleep-deprivation-induced brain fog. Whatever works; I'm just ridiculously grateful that my brain isn't being stretched in so many (too many) directions.
  • Hershey's Kisses.
  • This sweet-smelling, super-silly, looks-like-Chris-Farley-when-she-squishes-her-face-up-in-happiness baby girl of mine:

*HA. And right now, I am NOT so grateful that I hear that sweet baby girl of mine waking up in the room next door and kicking the slats of her crib, her warning signal that she's about to start yelling to be fed.  -_-  Sometimes after a gratitude session, it feels like things start unraveling reallllly quickly. Ah, well. Can't win 'em all. Going to bed to try to find my center again...

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