Thursday, March 15, 2012

hate yourself.

The first rule of Cathy?

No being sad when the weather forecast is like this in mid-March:

The bad news is that I can't seem to shake this funk. The good news is that it's only been around for about 36 hours, and that this is the longest funk I've had in a while. But, oh, man - even sitting in my back yard yesterday afternoon, when it was close to 80 degrees with a pristine blue sky (UNHEARD of in Michigan this time of year), and kids were playing in the park and tulips and daffodils were blooming as I watched them - even still...funk.

It's mostly in my belly, under my heart. It feels like a constant squeezing - like I'm being forced to watch an endless loop of the scariest scenes in horror movies. My mind flits around, ferreting out the source of the emotion, but there's no root source, no single event in the past or future 48 hours that would spark such anxiety. I start attributing it to random interactions, start making mountains out of molehills, start letting the anxiety tell me that this moment was bad and this moment was misguided and this moment was my fault, my mistake. In my dreams last night, I searched for the cause; I awoke feeling hateful and dreading - dreading what? Nothing in particular. Just omnipresent, sourceless dread.

I need to get in the shower, go to work. Need to breathe, but I don't want to. I don't want to have to. I don't wanna listen to the awesome playlist I made the other day with my favorite upbeat songs, or my ream of melancholy songs...but I don't want to listen to NPR's spring fundraising drive, either. I certainly can't bear the silence that would be my other option.

Think. Today is: email catch-up, facilitating a training from 9:30-11:30, meeting from 11:30-1, supervision with my interns from 1-2, lunch break, then completing a cost of quality spreadsheet until I go home. These are not bad things; these are not the source of the dread. The source is...simultaneously internal and external, me and not me, controllable and out of control.

Maybe tomorrow will be a "suck the marrow" kind of day, but today? Today is a "suck it up" kind of day.


  1. (hug) - not that a hug takes a funk away, but I totally hear you on waking up some days with a sense of feeling squeezed and overwhelmed and not even sure why, and it it so.hard. to convince yourself to get up and do the things you have to do sometimes. I hope maybe the sunshine breaks through a little bit to that deep spot in your belly under your heart, and a little crack opens up that helps let it come pouring in.

  2. OMG, this funk. I'm in a similar one, and I blame it on the Weepies CD I downloaded this weekend. It is absolutely perfect poppy-yet-angsty music to have on while wandering the streets and pondering life (aka flanning).

    Or, if you're a gimp like me, perfect cry-in-the-bathtub music.

    Feel better.



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