Thursday, June 1, 2017

dear baby...aka the one with the last silhouette picture [again].

Dear Baby,

Tomorrow, we'll meet face-to-face. I'm more nervous this time than I was before meeting your sister. Why is that? I'm scared of the surgery. I'm scared of more feeding issues. I'm scared of a painful recovery. I'm scared of another year of anxiety and mood swings and no sleep.

But then...then I think about you.

That's you back in December - 13 weeks old.

And here's what I know. I know that no matter what challenges we face in adding to our family, it's worth it - a million times over - for the love. I know that for every hard moment we have, there will be exponentially more moments of laughter, of wonder, and of pure, unadulterated bliss. I know that we have a village that's blossomed and grown by dozens since I became a mama just three and a half years ago. That village is already gathering and waiting and watching and ready to catch us. I know that I'm going to love sharing your photos and stories with everyone, because when I share my love, it multiplies. I know that I've felt guilty - for feeling ambivalent about having another child, ambivalent about having a boy, ambivalent about displacing your sister from her only-child throne, ambivalent about surrendering my Self for another couple years to the unrelenting needs of a baby - but that all that ambivalence is normal, and fine, and part of parenthood. And again: so, so worth it.

Most of all, I know that you are already loved. More than you'll ever know. Probably more than I'll ever know.

Your family, waiting for their sweet baby boy to join them.

So, Baby, come on out safely tomorrow. You've got a lot of people who are waiting to meet you. Most of all...

...this girl, your big sister, who's been dreaming of you and talking about you and wishing for you since she could barely talk.

The first picture she ever drew of our family, back
when I was first pregnant with you. She didn't
even know you were already on your way.

You are her dream come true. And mine.

See you tomorrow, little one.


{32 weeks, 5 days}

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