for right now.

Tonight, I'm just grateful.

Well, that might be an overstatement. I haven't been feeling grateful all evening long - mostly just at this moment.* But a conversation with a friend just now reminded me about gratitude, and made me realize the main gift that anxiety gave me. I know how toootally cheesy that sounds, but here's the thing: Because of my experiences with working through anxiety, I'm more likely than I used to be to purposefully and aggressively pursue happiness. Likewise, I'm more aware that happiness isn't something that just is, all the time, a constant. It's a series of moments strung together, flashes of contentment that might go unrecognized if you're not careful, and that might be minimized if you don't practice gratitude for them. (I know, I'm the first person EVER to articulate that. Bow down in my omniscient presence.)

Um. Anyway. Tonight? Right now? I'm grateful for:

• My moms' group. More on that another time, but connecting with them regularly helps keep me grounded, sane, and in tune with what it means (read: how crazy it is) to be a new mother. Plus, omg, their babies are adorable.
• Netflix, and binge-watching ridiculous shows. (Fuck you very much, Comcast cable.)
• Cold water to drink. Mmm.
• My breast pump.
• My mother-in-law, Rowan's Gramma. They've spent three days a week together for the past six months, and I'm committed to helping them maintain their amazing relationship now, even though I'm not at work anymore. Which is another thing I'm grateful for -
• Deciding to leave my job. Oh my GOD am I unmoored right now, and sometimes the weight of that pulls me under, but mostly I'm just reveling in my freedom. I'm not too focused on whether it's denial or faith that's helping me stay afloat at the moment. Hell, maybe it's just sleep-deprivation-induced brain fog. Whatever works; I'm just ridiculously grateful that my brain isn't being stretched in so many (too many) directions.
• Hershey's Kisses.
• This sweet-smelling, super-silly, looks-like-Chris-Farley-when-she-squishes-her-face-up-in-happiness baby girl of mine:

*HA. And right now, I am NOT so grateful that I hear that sweet baby girl of mine waking up in the room next door and kicking the slats of her crib, her warning signal that she's about to start yelling to be fed.  -_-  Sometimes after a gratitude session, it feels like things start unraveling reallllly quickly. Ah, well. Can't win 'em all. Going to bed to try to find my center again...

biggest mistake of my life (take seven, or so).

What have I done.

If I listen to the voice in my head, I am:

• an irresponsible mother who just put my wants ahead of my family's needs
• an ignorant thirtysomething pretending that the future will take care of itself
• a woefully inept financial planner, kidding myself about bank account capacities and capabilities
• pulling the career ladder out from under myself
• plunging into the abyss of financial insecurity
• the family breadwinner, knowingly and selfishly putting our stability at risk
• already shamefully behind my peers in so many ways...and just furthering that
• scared, scared, scared, stupid, scared, and scared

But then the voice in my heart tries - really tries - to chime in, and to remind me that (also? instead?) I'm:

• seizing the day and this ephemeral snap of time with my only first baby
• soaring inside every time I imagine being with her more
• trusting that other possibilities will reveal themselves once I'm living a life of love
• following my passions, which have yet to steer me wrong
• not taking the first - or last - enormous risk in my life
• taking advantage of some hard-earned savings (ohgodpleasejustsomenotall)
• teaching my daughter, by example, to follow her heart
• brave, brave, brave, alive, brave, and brave

Biggest (potential) mistake of my life? I just quit my job. Where I've worked for twelve years. 

My only non-internship job as an adult. Where I've held seven different positions, some simultaneously.

My challenging and self-designed job. Where I get (got? oh shit) paid more than I'd make anywhere else in my field.

My job that I once thought was a pipe dream. Where I've given 110% for as long as I could.

I can't really tell you what I'm doing or why, and not because I'm being mysterious. It's because I really don't know. I DON'T KNOW. I can't even make conjectures or toss out ideas. 

But you know what I can do?

I can go to Monday music class, and Tuesday mommy group, and Wednesday swimming. I can live each day as it comes, which I'm blissfully forced to do whenever I'm with Rowan. I can have faith and courage...punctuated occasionally by breakdowns and fear. I can choose intermittent intense anxiety about the future over constant low-level dissatisfaction with the everyday. 

And I can tell you this: I'm a person of extremes. When it came to the point where it felt like leaving would be the biggest mistake of my life, but that staying would also be wrong, I chose in favor of my heart instead of my head. The last two times I did that...

...turned out pretty okay.

growin' rowan: the fourth month.

Words...too difficult...for sleep-deprived brain. Someone still eats every three hours around the clock...and likes to stay awake after some of those night feedings. So, in lieu of words...pictorial evidence of Growin' Rowan (The Fourth Month).

14 weeks...Rowan is not impressed.

15 weeks...Mama's so funny.

16 weeks...just gorgeous.

17 weeks..."Wait, I can PLAY with this thing?!"

4 months!

growin' rowan: the third month.

Words...too difficult...for sleep-deprived brain. Someone still eats every three hours around the clock...and likes to stay awake after some of those night feedings. So, in lieu of words...pictorial evidence of Growin' Rowan (The Third Month).

9 weeks...senior pic pose.

10 weeks...bored with these proceedings.

11 weeks...absolute sweetness.

12 weeks...my goofy girl!

13 weeks...pure joy.

3 months!