Tuesday, July 31, 2012

remind yourself (again, and repeatedly).

Just a quick post to remind myself: sometimes, you can do exactly what's right for every party involved, and it can still feel wrong. and awful, and heavy, and icky, and shameful. But it's still what's right. Ah, that magical feeling of trying to disentangle the knotted thread of strong vs. misguided leadership.

This month - no, the last two months have been a vortex of seemingly insurmountable professional challenges. When I listed them off for my supervisor last week, sounding like a season-long arc of sitcom-worthy pitfalls and wonk-wonks, she laughed. Not unkindly; more in sympathetic horror. And just when I thought it couldn't get any worse...! I'm still here, though, and formally resolving to marshal my own resources. It's time. Past time, actually. There were the crisis-level resources I accessed tonight - family, friends, and Pizza House. When I didn't get chipati sauce with my chipati bread order, and the manager said it was my fault because the guy who took my order tried to give me discount by ringing up my order as a CHIPATI (even though it was a SALAD with CHIPATI BREAD ON THE SIDE), and I could get some sauce but it would be 30 minutes and $$$, and I said never mind and hung up the phone (and maybe threw my bread across the room, so what) - J.J. took the initiative to call them back, and they were already processing two free orders of chipati bread, and THAT'S RIGHT MUTHAS. 

Um...anyway...reminding myself of my resources, other than the crisis-mode options I accessed tonight: a quick therapy boost; taking advantage of that massage coupon; exercising; and writing (Leonard told me to just keep writing, but sometimes, it's hard to even keep my eyes open).

I'll never forget what happened tonight, and how that person wanted me to feel, and how I felt on his behalf. All I can do is remember, the next time this comes around, the lessons learned. Oh, and cross my fingers that the worst possible repercussion doesn't actually come to fruition, because fuuuuuck, and such.

Dear Anxiety: You're not allowed in tonight, because I will crumble, and there's no time for that right now. Matter over mind. Sincerely...

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