Monday, January 5, 2015

a descent into paranoia in 12 easy steps.

  1. During Baby's nap, hear a crash from the basement and silently curse Husband for being so loud.
  2. Hear Husband making strange follow-up tinkering noises and go investigate.
  3. Discover that the dryer (age: at least ten years; usage status: two to four times per week) has a thing called a drum belt and that this thing has snapped, causing the crashing noise (not Husband...oops).
  4. Call Mom for advice: Is an old dryer of unknown age worth saving?
  5. Google "dryer sale".
  6. Remember severe lack of cash flow. Watch YouTube videos on replacing dryer drum belt instead.
  7. Wait soooo many days for a new belt to be delivered. Baby demonstrates creepy knowledge of the broken dryer by peeing on soooo many things.
  8. Nervously organize basement while cheering on Husband as he replaces the drum belt within an hour of its arrival on your doorstep (two days after promised delivery date).
  9. Wash a celebratory load of laundry.
  10. Lean casually on dryer and inhale. Frown as you try to place that odd stench...what is that? Oh, right, it's how your old apartment used to smell when the oven's pilot light went out. So, you know. Natural gas. NATURAL GAS.
  11. Flip out and have totally productive conversation with Husband: "What should we do?!" "I don't know; I'm going to check the gas line." "DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING! THE HOUSE WILL EXPLODE!" "I'll turn the gas off first." "DON'T TOUCH THE SHUTOFF VALVE! THE HOUSE WILL EXPLODE!" "Soooo what do you want me to do?" "IF I KNEW, I'D BE DOING IT!!"
  12. Hate adulthood and the world for a hot minute, whilst vividly remembering that news story about the house that exploded because of a natural gas leak. Imagine your family exploding. Recall those R.E.M. lyrics about fear tasting like aluminum and marvel how accurate that description is. Send Husband and Baby on a field trip while you ascertain the safest place in the house to wait for the gas company inspector guy to arrive for a special Sunday morning emergency house call.
Ta-da! Your Descent Into Paranoia is now complete! Be sure to check out any other twelve-step programs that may apply to you. 

P.S. There was no leak.
P.P.S. Status of New Year's resolution to not resort to worst-case scenario all the time: clearly a work in progress. LAY OFF ME IT'S ONLY JANUARY 5TH.

No comments:

Post a Comment


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...