Tuesday, November 11, 2014

the beauty of the balance.

There's a balance in life.

Hence, you know...my last post vs. today.

I've been awake for all of three hours, and I'm just in a tailspin. Everything is wrong, although none of it is dire...which means I'm even more annoyed with myself for being upset. It started right from the get-go - my morning pump. I am so over waking up before anyone else every single morning, but also regretful that soon she won't be getting any more of my milk. Then, while I showered, I was overcome with jealousy thinking about friends I know who can make it on one income, and friends who are working their asses off to ensure their families' security. What did I do wrong to end up in limbo between draining a limited savings account while jobless, and not wanting to ever ever ever return to my career...or any job? While I put the dishes away, I knew I was supposed to feel grateful that J.J. washed them last night, but really, I was just annoyed that I had to scrape cheese residue from a glass bowl that he's "cleaned" twice already. Before Rowan's morning nap, she dragged ribbons all over the family room and dumped a bag of teeny-tiny plastic toys in the hall; she wanted her hat on her head, but not on her hair; her favorite CD was driving me bananas; and I could NOT make a decision on what to do with her today. There's a fun toddler program at the nature center this morning, and this is the last tolerable weather for about five months...but she really should take a morning nap today (...or should she? I don't know!), and her nose is flowing freely, and she just had a meltdown about - socks, I think? Neither of us is dressed, and she's clearly not in a nature-program mood right now. But I am, and she'd probably have a blast once we were there...

It is currently acceptable that the hat is on the hair AND the head.
(ETA: Please ignore the borderline-NSFW sock monkeys in the background.)

My last post is still true, and still real, but today my mind keeps drifting to places like envious and annoyed and unmotivated. And afraid. Because I don't want this to end, these days at home with my baby girl, but I know it can't last forever. Ugh, I cannot shake the negative vibe right now.


All right. Forty-five minutes later. Now, there's a sweet baby upstairs who just coughed herself awake after a short nap, and she and I are going to get dressed and take advantage of 50 degrees and sunny. This is what makes being a SAHM such a healthy lifestyle for me: There's no time or space to indulge the tailspin, and during naptime - even a short one - things turn around, almost every time. (Doesn't hurt that I dropped my 9am pump last week, so I didn't have to spend 30 of her 45 sleeping minutes doing pump stuff.) This is the beauty of the balance of life - that a crummy morning can tip over into a decent afternoon. As easy as it is for me to remember the balance when I'm happy ("Better enjoy this now, since it's bound to go up in flames soon!"), my challenge is to learn to depend on the balance all the time.

Have to run. Gotta go see about a girl.

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