Saturday, February 7, 2015

hey, wanna go to Target with me?

This has been my week of Getting Shit Done. You know all those annoying to-dos that you keep meaning to take care of...but then weeks and months go by, and you still haven't gotten your hair cut or your oil changed or your teeth cleaned? I finally picked up the phone and scheduled appointments for a bunch of things, one being a visit to the eye doctor. It's been over two years since my last eye exam, and I've been making my limited supply of daily contact lenses last by using them for...let's just say lots of days - which is, like, the biggest no-no of eye health ever. My appointment was yesterday morning, so I dropped Rowan off with Gramma and endured the stupid puff of air (which I'm pretty sure they puff in directly from hell) and a verbal lashing about never reusing single-use lenses. (And then was sent home with a trial pair of two-week lenses.)

The appointment was over way more quickly than I'd planned for, so I swung by Target for a bit, just to window shop. I never go to the Target on this side of town, and it turns out this one is populated on weekday mornings solely by moms with toddlers, moms with little babies, or moms with toddlers and little babies. The one closer to me usually features hungover college students lurking moodily in the cereal aisle. I kind of preferred this Target, because there's nothing like watching someone else's kid melt down in a red shopping cart to make you feel freeee as a bird. (And sympathetic. That, too.)

I wandered around, checking out sections I haven't visited in a long time. I only make the trek out to Target occasionally, and pretty much just to get a baby-specific item. Yesterday, I...still mostly hung out in the baby aisles, but I ventured into a few other zones, too.

I started in the home decor section...

I love this. Not the Eiffel Tower, necessarily, but the string art idea. Found some good tutorials on Pinterest that I'd love to try out.

This is basically the way-cuter version of what I was going for on the kitchen frame wall.

Oh, see? This is Item One in a series of pictures from this Target trip of Things That Make Me Want Another Baby (for totally valid reasons like decorating a nursery again and using my children as my own personal dress-up dolls).

Hey, remember how the home trend gods spent the last decade influencing you to change out all your brass and gold home goods - picture frames and light fixtures and cabinet hardware - for brushed nickel and stainless steel? Well...gold is baaaaack, and it's growing on me. DAMMIT.

Target: Where you go to trigger lust for things you REALLY DON'T NEED AT ALL. Example A: Adorable Bins (above). There was also a pregnant lady checking these bins out, with her hand on her belly and stars in her eyes. I stopped just short of grabbing her shoulders and crying, "Buy these bins, pregnant lady! Create a whole nursery theme around them! The arrows, the navy, the salmon! And there's a precious gold decorative garland over there, too!" ("Crazed Woman Arrested in Area Target for Decor-Related Bullying, tonight at six and ten.")

Is there a mature reason for why these sheets are billed as performance sheets? I can think of only two reasons: (1) The sheets become animated, a la Beauty and the Beast, and do performances, or (2) They are designed to withstand...performances...that take place on sheets. And if it is one of those two reasons? More power to you, Target Threshold Brand. Not only do you consistently design stuff I love, but you have a sense of humor, too.

Moving through the store, I stumbled on the clothes section. And more specifically, women's clothing...and most specifically, THIS.

I mean, I possess enough self-awareness to know I'm not fashionable. Never have been, never claimed to be. But what in the everloving fuck is this? Oh, just an orange fashion jumpsuit with a sheer bodice. And it doesn't flatter even the mannequin's figure, sooooo, good luck with that, suckas. Maybe it's a modern take on prison wear, fueled by the public's demand for sexy versions of the clothing featured on Orange Is the New Black.

Here are Items Two, Three, and Four in our Things That Make Me Want Another Baby series: a cute maternity shirt (I miss maternity shirts), a sweet one-piece sweater outfit (...jumpsuit?!), and adorable boy shirts. (Scene from Target's design team meeting: "Hey, what colors should we do for the spring line to make Cathy's ovaries weep?" "How about hoodies and button-downs in turquoise, gray, yellow, and green?" "Yeah! Oh, AND STRIPES!")

This was in the Juniors section and makes me want Rowan to never, ever, ever been a tween or teen...or, really, anything that's too old to wear that one-piece sweater outfit.

There were some of these in Juniors, too. FINE. So jumpsuits are a thing. Whatever. Dorks.

And the Juniors section also happens to be where I glimpsed a lady perusing the jumpsuits who was SO TOTALLY LORDE. Like, seriously. It was Lorde. But I was having trouble snapping a covert pic of her without looking being creepy, so here she is from her Wikipedia page:

"Which Juniors jumpsuit will set off my skin tone and make my
eyes pop, without being too reminiscent of a toddler outfit?"

Just past Clothing was Cute Baby Crap. I tried to ignore the lure, but two things jumped out at me.

First, they somehow improved what was already the very best baby item on the planet. The thing that restored my sleep, my sanity, and my functionality: the Fisher Price Rock 'N' Play. Gramma bought one for Rowan when she was itty-bitty, after dozens of my friends recommended it in response to a desperate Facebook plea to help make my baby sleep for more than thirty minutes at a time. Rowan slept in her Rock 'N' Play exclusively until she was five months old or so, and then still for some naps and part of each night until she was nine months old (<ducks in corner as the Mom Shamers shake their fists at me for letting her sleep in it way past the recommended age>). The ONLY THING that would have made it better was an automatic rocking feature. TA-DA! This new version has two auto-rock settings (shorter for naps, longer for night), and you can bet your tush that I'll snap one up in a heartbeat if my next child has a hard time sleeping.

Ugh, the breastfeeding aisle. Am I out of freezer bags? Do I need new valves? I wonder if those sanitizing wipes are here. Shoot, where did I put that extra battery pack...maybe I'll just buy a new OH WAIT THAT'S RIGHT! HAHAHAHA I DON'T NEED ANY OF THIS STUFF ANYMORE! (Grateful it was all available to me; more grateful that, yesterday, I could point and laugh at the aisle and then move on.)

I made it out of the Cute Baby Crap section quickly, mostly because I spotted the holiday candy up ahead. See, I realized a few days ago that I totally missed the annual retail release of Easter candy (January 31, duhhh). Usually, by early February, places like CVS and Rite-Aid and - yes - Target will stock both Valentine's Day and Easter candy. Some people want V-Day to have its own candy time, but I love the early Easter candy displays. Not only is it the most delicious of all seasonal candies, but all of winter after New Year's Eve is pointless anyway, so might as well skip to Easter. 

BUT. The only thing stocked on these shelves was heart-shaped disappointment.

There was NOTHING of the Easter persuasion at this Target. Nary a Cadbury Egg nor Sweetart Bunny to be seen. I was so bummed that I didn't even buy those Jolly Rancher Sour Heart things, even though they looked really good. (Because my own heart was sour enough, apparently.)

I soothed my hurt feelings in the cracker aisle with these before cruising to the checkout.

All in all, I left Target yesterday with only Cheez-Its, $1 bath crayons, and a cheap toddler raincoat. Pretty impressive, for a spur-of-the-moment "window shopping" trip. Ah, but the parking lot turned out to have some surprises of its own up its sleeve for me...

Look! A school bus! In the Target parking lot! Freakin' awesome field trip idea. Why didn't I think of that during the ten years I spent planning 50+ field trips each summer for school-age campers?! Missed opportunity for sure.

But wait. Look closer. What...is that?

Is that...a dog? Driving the van?

Oh yes. It's a dog. Driving the van. A DOG DRIVING THE VAN.

And with that, I headed home, having just one little heart attack when I all of a sudden noticed an empty car seat in the rearview mirror and thought I had left Rowan in the shopping cart back at Target. Good times, indeed.

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