Thursday, April 2, 2015

hey, wanna go to the thrift shop with me?

All right. All right all right all right. I am less-than-tentatively stating that winter is OVER. Tulips are pushing through, thunderstorms are in the forecast, I can't find Rowan's snowpants, and there are sand piles in the kitchen from tiny shoes. In other words, time to shift from indoor house updates to outside projects!

I went to a local thrift shop (Value World in Maple Village) this past weekend to find odds and ends for our outdoor music wall. I had to go there twice, actually, because a red wok lid that I really wanted wasn't properly tagged, so they made me come back the next day, once someone had priced it. (Store policy. Which I get, but really? It was a cracked wok with no power cord. I'll give you a buck.) So it took two trips - plus a run to the Dollar Tree next door - but I did find some perfect pieces for the wall...along with so much more. Come see...

Oh, hey, you three. First thing I ran across at the shop - these folks just chilling together in a plastic bag, representing what can only be described as the world's most awkward threesome. The dude on the right is trying to mask his bougie upbringing (see: Day on the Yacht striped shirt and capris, both from JCrew's summer line) with some hipster touches (see: goatee, jean jacket). He's stoked to gain bragging rights for hooking up with post-Prince-Eric Ariel (see: legs), although the threesome is actually his cover so he can get with Ariel's boyfriend, Mr. Shimmerpants on the left there. Shimmerpants is increasingly bitter because Ariel keeps threatening to turn back into a mermaid if they don't have a threesome with Bougie Hipster, whom she's clearly crushing on. No one wins in this plastic bag threesome, people. No one.

Ah, a Twilight lunchbox! I mean - why is this even at a thrift shop? Who doesn't want an Edward Cullen metal lunchbox?! Oh, wait...I think I see the issue:

It's only approved for AGES 14 & UP. Some poor fourteen-year-old out there was torn between finally being old enough to be trusted with a metal lunchbox (um?), only to realize she was also too old to be seen in public with a metal lunchbox (and not yet old enough for it be considered ironic). Girl, all I can say is that I feel your pain, because soon I ran across this:

The Baby-Sitters Club Mystery Game!! I was obsessed with the Baby-Sitters Club growing up - owned nearly every single book in the series, plus Specials and Mysteries and Little Sisters and whatever other genius spinoffs Ann M. Martin churned out. (I was a Mallory who deluded myself into thinking I was a Dawn, which was just so Mallory of me, don't you think?) This game came out right around the time I graduated from middle school, which was also when all of my BSC-smitten friends declared that they were officially too mature to read those loser baby-sitting books, let alone play the game. So I never played it, never got to spin the mystery wheel or move my Stacey game piece around Stoneybrook. (But I KNOW you bitches were still reading those books when we were in high school. "Oh my god, you guys, a Baby-Sitters Club book! How babyish. I'm just going to see how dumb this new one is. It's so dumb. Yeah...it's really...babyish...and...LAY OFF ME, I'M READING.") Oh, Baby-Sitters Club Mystery Game: the Twilight metal lunchbox of the 90s.

Moving on.

You can just go ahead and file this treasure under Things I'd Never Buy From A Thrift Shop, Or Even Just Take For Free, Actually: a torn lifejacket that's missing a buckle on one side. "Dude, this was only a dollar twenty! Score!" Yeah, $1.20 + your LIFE.

Please, please, someone tell me what this is. Because if there's actually a machine out there that turns jellybeans into a smoothie? Well. Let's just say I can cross that life goal off the list.

It was here that my maiden voyage to Value World was cut short...mostly because I already had everything I needed for the music wall (a hodge-podge of pots, pans, and hamster wheels), and I couldn't justify lingering in the aisles taking photos of creepy doll threesomes. But I really wanted that red wok that had been improperly tagged, so I drove back the next day. Spoiler alert: They ended up pricing the wok at $4.21, which was about $4.19 more than it was worth. I passed on it. I could've just left the store then, but that's the lure of thrift shops...there's always the possibility - nay, probability - of as-yet-discovered awesomeness. 

For example:

Super-dirty stuffed jellyfish the size of a couch cushion, anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

Check out this 90s-tastic Draw 'n' Fax toy - with real working lights, sounds, and motor drive!! Actually, I guess it might've been fun for playing office...it's just sad that the company was so psyched about the toy's ultra-modern features: Push button to automatically advance paper! 6 dial tone sounds! Safe-play battery operated! Kids these days would wonder what the hell a fax machine even is. And a dial tone.

I actually kind of loved this Cookie Jug. Found it in my pictures and am now really regretting not picking it up. Might be time for Thrift Shop: Take Three pretty soon here - also because I need to follow the continuing saga of these three, who showed up in a completely different bin on the opposite side of the store during my second trip:

Their positions, just like their relationships, had shifted over time. Bougie Hipster (whose dress shoes I'm only now noticing) fell for Post-Prince-Eric Ariel when her hair fell away from her face, revealing that she was probably not even Ariel at all. They're moving to Boulder and plan to start homesteading after Bougie Hipster's parents shell out for his graduate degree. Shimmerpants was disgusted by his willingness to do something he didn't feel comfortable with and is hiding his face in shame. Or maybe one of them pulled the ultimate Dutch Oven, and his upturned collar is an act of self-preservation. The world may never know.

All in all, my thrift shop ventures yielded tons of treasures for our music wall - and the few things I still wanted (wind chimes, mostly), I found at the dollar store next door.

Yeah, I know, my neighbors are going to haaaate me. Hopefully Rowan will feel most inclined to make "music" while they're at work all day. Oh, I also scored a vintage wooden baby doll high chair and doll cradle, and an old Magna-Doodle that Rowan will love. Total cost? Around $20. Making Macklemore proud...and making me so so so excited for the sweet weather on the horizon.

P.S. You're always welcome to come to Target with me, too. If I'm good enough for Lorde...

1 comment:

  1. Hilarious blog! Yeah I do not know what that Jellybean machine is, I'm also guessing it's a smoothie ice cream maker or something. Like frozen yogurt in a jellybean flavor?



Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...