In other words, for the first time in a Throwback to Hell, I feel obligated to change the names of the innocent to protect their identities. And I'm not talking about Plucky Duck; his real name is used, and proudly. I'm talking about my sixth-grade boyfriend - who, for the record, I never kissed or even held hands with. We spoke on the phone every day after school, which solidified our status as "going together." ("Going where?" my mom used to guffaw, and I would wish fervently to melt through the linoleum kitchen floor and die, just to escape her sense of humor. Ironically, I totally make the same kinds of jokes these days. Sorry, Rowan. Also, J.J.)
All right. Here we go. I'm officially embarrassed to. my. core. about this one, even with the pseudonyms - which, btw, were really hard to conjure up without inadvertently using some other classmate's actual name. So (have mercy), please have fun wading into the pool of my eleven-year-old love triangle.
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| The sign of a great basketball player is when she's so short, her jersey hangs down below her shorts. |
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March 13, 1992
Doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo!
FRIDAY THE 13th!!!!
TODAY!
However.
It has been a super day. I got to dance with Josh, and on the phone he said the most ROMANTIC thing to me--
OOOOOPS!!!
I FORGOT TO TELL YOU!
On Friday, Feb. 28, 1992, Josh called me at exactly 5:04 P.M. I was watching T.V. The phone rang...
"Hello?" my sister said.
A pause.
"Who?" she asked.
"Who?" she asked again. Then, "Oh, okay. Hold on a sec. CATHY!!!"
I was right there, but she yelled anyway. (Stacy.)
"Coming!" I said.
I ran to the phone.
"Who is it?" I asked.
"Josh?" she said questioningly.
Josh!!? I thought. I wondered why he was calling?
I picked up the phone. "Hello?"
"Cathy?" a voice said.
"Yeah?" I said.
"This is Josh."
"Oh...Hi."
"Well, um...I want to ask you something."
"Okay..."
"Will you go with me?"
Had I heard right??!! "What?" I asked.
"Nev--nevermind," Josh said quickly.
"No, tell me!" I said.
"Will you go with me?" he asked again.
"Yes," I finally answered.
"Oh. I wasn't expecting that."
I laughed. "Yeah."
A pause. "Well, I gotta go," I lied.
"Oh. Okay. 'Bye."
"'Bye."
We hung up.
I had my first official boyfriend!
I was so happy. It was then I realized that I had liked him all along, not Naoki.
Anyway, me and him were talking on the phone today. We were both coincidentally watching Tiny Toons. Plucky saw this gorgeous girl duck. His eyeballs turned into hearts and bugged out, and you could see a heart shooting out of his chest. Josh and I laughed.
"That's what I did when I saw you," Josh said.
I didn't say anything. What he said made me feel so happy.
We hung up after awhile because Mari wanted to use the phone.
Around 5:00 P.M. today, I called Josh. His line was busy.
Suddenly I had a terrible feeling he was on the phone with his ex.
Becky Mayer.
Barf.
Becky was going out with Josh for a long time. Then he broke up with her and asked me out. Ever since, Becky has been the biggest brat. She flirts with Josh so much. I hate it. I'm not saying Josh enjoys it, either. She is so annoying.
I hate her.
Mom and Mrs. Mayer are good friends. So are Carrie and Alison, Becky's older sister. So naturally they assume we're friends.
We used to be. And in a way, we still are. If only she would be nicer to me and stop flirting so badly with Josh I would like her a lot better.
She still loves Josh, and she knows it. She told Josh she likes Drew Patterson to cover it up. I don't believe her! What a liar! She wants to go with Josh!
********************
Ahem.
THING #1: I was terrified the entire time I was transcribing this that I'd accidentally type the real names and let the cats out of the witness protection bag.
THING #2: I have such sweet sympathy for my socially-anxious and awkward sixth-grade (...also current) self, who got all nervous and lied about having to hang up just to avoid further conversation after Josh asked me to "go" with him.
THING #3: Yes, I did note the inconsistency in the narrative, wherein I am aggravated with my sister Stacy for yelling my name when I was "RIGHT THERE"...but then I have to tell her, "Coming!" and run to the phone. I think I was just trying to emphasize how super annoying my siblings clearly were.
THING #4: Love the reference to our old buddy Naoki, whom you might remember from a previous Throwback to Hell, "Maybe I'll Turn Out Okay After All".
THING #5: Can I just say that I'm super happy that my sixth-grade relationship consisted of talking to each other (on a landline) while watching Tiny Toons? Despite having two middle school "boyfriends," I didn't actually kiss a boy until I was seventeen (just, you know, if this post is going to be humiliating, why not go all out? My first kiss was when I was seventeen). There are perks to being a dork, and one of those perks is not having to grow up too fast.
THING #6: "What a liar! She wants to go with Josh!" All I can think is, "Go where?" #OfficialMomStatus
Happy humiliating Throwback Thursday!
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